ah hong, will u really always be here?

the clock has juz struck midnight n its the 30th once again.. for the past 3 mths, every 30th night has been fitful n at best, bearable. i juz finished talking to my beloved cheeleng.. she'll be calling again at 2am aft i finish with tmr's slides. for some reason, being alone in my rm tonight is painful. i dunno exactly which part hurts. i juz noe my heart hurts, my head hurts, the back of my throat as well as the corner of my eyes hurt. for some reason, my fingertips hurt with each alphabet i type too. xq told me not to rmbr dates coz its the dates tt will hold me back. but alas, its sub-concious.

today i went jogging in the morn n blading at night. it was tiring but losing water through perspiration instead of tears makes me feel accomplished. haha. mayb coz hugging my pillow with my eyes all red n swollen is juz plain loserish behaviour. today while searching for my o-lvl cert, i found nicholas's photo. its still in tt cute flintstone frame n exactly as i rmbr it to be.. only, it has been pushed to the back of my cupboard, underneath all my rubbish, thinly covered by a veil of dust. lol. i guess tis really proves tt forever is nothing.

alot of ppl say i look better now. prettier, in fact. but someone out there once fell in love with the ugly duckling me. he didn't mind my spectacles n round belly n he accepted my every inch. tt day as william n i headed hm frm orchard parade hotel aft the SIP dinner, i looked for a familiar face at coffee bean. the him waiting for me to finish serving banquet juz so he cld escort me hm. the him whose chest i leaned on n cld fall asleep w/o being afraid of missing my stop. somehow, cold metal bars n hard glass panels cannot replace those skinny shoulders.

as we walked towards orchard mrt, wheelock place brought on fond memories. the 3 days i wrked, the 3 days he spent wandering orchard. nice is too small a wrd to describe the happiness i felt juz to hv someone to sympathise when unreasonable customers yell at me. n having someone waiting downstairs juz so i need not hv lunch alone was comforting.

reaching tampines n seeing a closed guardian left a sinking feeling in my stomach. there was no more early morn soya milk or sour skittles to perk me up. no more morning hugs n no more waiting times. i really cannot imagine tmr.. formal attire w/o my delivery of emergency plasters, much less disney princess ones. w/o his outstretched arm supporting a wobbly me. w/o someone to dress-up for. w/o someone to wake up specially to send me to sch.

i complained, i whined, i ranted abt how he didn't meet my expectations. but i failed to see the many times in which he met them n perhaps even surpassed them. the times where i was touched but instead of kissing him, i regarded it as my right to expect. i failed to recognize his effort in making me smile n i failed to appreciate the little things he did tt showed me how much he cared. it mayb too late now but hong, i'm sorry. i'm sorry for loving u the wrong way n assuming tt u liked it too.

i love u. i always hv n i hope somewhere inside u, i'm not juz tt another girl.

new skin

i changed my blogskin all on my own! yay!! i drew each n every polka dot in paint all by myself. the pic on the top was also mixed n matched by yours truely! hehe.. so happy n proud of myself now. =) anyway, my song of the moment now is called kiss - because i'm a girl. its frm tis really touching show n the lyrics r super meaningful (to me at least..) esp when translated into eng. unless u understand korean lah. like duh?!

n since we all noe imeem.com is v slow in buffering, the song i loaded here is laggy n broken up. poo poo! so being the nice person tt i so obviously am, i took to initiative to search tis song on youtube for ur. it even has eng subtitles. hehe.. actually wanted to post the whole vid here but being the com idiot tt i am, it refused to get posted up properly so i gave up.

here's the link. enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9_-1A4647M&mode=related&search=

anyway, unlike all my previous saturdays, i'm stuck moping around alone at hm today which does not make me feel v gd at all. haiz.. then for some reason i went to do alot alot of retarded personality quizes n got xq hooked onto "wat is ur lucky underwear colour" too!

Your Love is Based on Affection

Your need for love is very primal and basic. You can't imagine living without love. And for you, love is something that's best expressed through touch. You're always up for a hug or a cuddle. And you feel a bit rejected when you don't get enough affection. Whether you're sharing a blanket or sharing an order of fries, you thrive when you're close to the person you love. Why your love can last: You express your love freely and frequently. Why your love can fail: You can come off as clingy, and this freaks people out.

What Is Your Love Based On?

well, the results r not shocking.. at least i do acknowledge the freaky existence of tt possessive-obsessive-domineering streak in me. admittance is the first step to recovery hor?
run baby, run away frm me! ahhhhhhh!!!

hmm.. n coz i need a desperate boost to my self ego, pls tell me how absolutely marvellous my designs for the LTC t-shirt design team is.. lol.







these r my LTC 2007 logos.. haha.. nice ma? look like barcodes rite? i also dunno why i choose green but pink for a leadership camp logo is not v "leader" rite? haha.. n the canoe in the 2nd design is super cute hor.. hehe.. I WAN THEM TO CHOOSE MINE!!



n tis is for the back of the shirt. haha.. i noe if my design nv get selected its gonna b super malu since i already put everything here.. but all tis is for fun only anyway.. ^^

with tis, i sign off for a couple of days while i follow ambrose's advice n travel to all the temples in s'pore praying for a pass in tues's killer MA test. haha.. wish me luck!

btw, mommy n daddy r on the plane back frm japan right now!! they say they bought alot of clothes, snacks n hello kitty stuff. yippee!!

updates!

wahhh, my tagboard is flooded!! haha.. sorry, been consumed by the proj monster n hv juz been re-birthed as a princess! ALL HAIL PRINCESS JOY!!! lol.. actually, i juz gave tt nasty monster a really bad stomachache n he shitted me out. heee.

replies to tags..

jessica: yups yups, projs r getting on track so I AM HAPPY! hehe.. *smile*
santoso: awww.. muz say miss ME much ma.. add the "all" part for wat? lolx.
gerald: haha.. as usual, u nv fail to entertain. =X
xueqin: yalor.. sch has been killer. i tink we r all in desperate need for playtime.. barbie doll anyone?
liying: haha.. dun worry, i'll finish serving tis term at least. =) its no surprise abt ppl choosing their studies over cca ma. since results is all tt matters in tis bloody sch. tts y i tink we r all rather stupid to stay active.. oh wells, ppl do silly things tt bring abt unexpected surprises sometimes. hehe.
ting: yeap! thanks babe.

tis is gonna be a lengthy n photo-filled entry.. dates r somewhat jumbled up already but amidst proj cramping, i hv been getting a heck of a social life tis couple of wks. being a social butterfly is not easy hor! its rigourous training for my ambitious future as s'pore's top tai-tai. lol. but before i reach tt stage where i hv the priviledge of sapping my husband's money, i can only sadly deplete my own bank acc which has once again reached the stage where withdrawals r barred. zzz. why am i not surprised?


>>PROJECTS, PROJECTS N MORE PROJECTS<<

aft wks of minimal sleep (av. abt 10hrs in 3 days), fast snacks n a zillion reports to vet, the wrk load hv finally begun to fizzle-down. though it is not all over, i decided i deserved one totally wrk-free night. =) but we did seriously do projs k?! esp being the most last min grp as usual, i trust the past 2 wks hv been xiong beyond xiong for the 5 of us. zzz.

tis is proof tt they did wrk...



we booked proj rms in the main lib for discussions coz the pathetic biz IT is perpetually filled with com hackers (oops, i speak as if i book coms via the proper means [kiosk] n dun use cheat codes for free printing). lol. =P

n tis is proof tt i goofed off while they slaved away...



haha.. well, i'm the "advisor" n my real wrk only starts aft they hv all finished crapping n using hanyupinyin wrds in a formal report!!! so my wrk is not tt slack hor.. besides, none of my grps hv complained abt me n my peer evaluation hv been rather tip-top.. =D wat can i say? i hv been blessed with fabulous grp mates! (hey, ur touched ma?)



pretend pretend only ar?!?!



the disgusting mouldy wall tt sp shld do something abt. with such lousy facilities, i really wonder wat they do with our sch fees other than spend tens of thousands brainwashing sec sch kids n funding union activities.. =(



look!! we stayed till fc 3 closed! btw, cold prata sucks even when ur hungry..


>>MOVIE MADNESS<<

there r so so so many shows worth watching now - invisible target, who slept with her, secret, perfect stranger, rush hour 3, the bourne ultimatum, license to wed, ratatouille n evan almighty - but no one to watch them with. haiz. anyway, watched my long-awaited harry potter n the order of the phoenix n diehard 4 already. whee~

harry potter wasn't much like the bk n cho chang is not v pretty. but the kissing scene was nice. *googoogaga* also, the show was v much darker than the previous prequels n harry didn't do much wand-waving. instead, he seemed pretty useless with all the nightmares n stuff. haha. the diehard 4 plot was awesome, maggie q's butt-kicking stunts make girls proud, the grand cathay seats were comfy, the aircon was a tad too cold but the company felt quite wrong. =(



the cathay like me, is going through a jelly bean phrase..



look, i finally bought jelly beans frm candy empire. hehe.. i noe i abit outdated lah. but i'm still quite excited over all its flavours with the exception for liquorice n cinammon. *yucks*


>>HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY BEE BEE<<

celebrated beefong's 19th bdae on the 13th of july.. was early in meeting them n i bumped into EARTH POON YOU YUAN at accessorize! so qiao tt mjc booked an entire engwah theater for harry potter screening so the place was flooded with tt familiar blue uniform.

me: i tink i noe u frm somewhere.
earth: omg!! joy!!

haha.. forgetful me.. gd luck for ur upcoming As yeah? jia you!!!



the evening was marvellous with ting, mz, cher, bee n i talking abt politics, social issues, current affairs, etc.. gosh, time really flies, we hv all grown up n matured in such a way tt conversation no longer hinges around superficial topics like boys, clothes n candy anymore. the scary thing is, i actually tot those "serious" ramblings were pretty fascinating.



dinner was at the crepe restaurant, out of the pan, at raffles city basement..



beefong, the bdae girl.. the blueberry cheesecake was not even bought frm the shop but the chef was still nice enough to deco it free-of-charge!



美女祝你生日快乐!

the seal-in-a-bee-costume soft toy is frm tis really cute store called mother garden at vivo. they hv a bigger version for $33 tt i really like. its the size of a bolster wor.. v huggable! *hint: my bdae coming..* =P


>>HAPPY 12TH BIRTHDAY BOY BOY<<



i look really short small here rite? no one wld guess i'm the da jie. ^^



he sure noes how to choose a mean choc fudge cake! *licks lips*


>>HOLLAND VILLAGE FETISH<<



checked out the prime angmo hangout place with xq aft a stressful day in sch.. tis place really doesn't hv a s'pore feel as eateries spill onto rds n sidewalks r cramped with pubs. the whole atmosphere is really laid-back but looking at the cars n the way patrons dress, i gather they r all successful individuals who came here to relax n unwind juz like us. haha..

while trying to find the place, we either boarded the wrong bus or overshot our stop as we - hopeless solo girls with no sense of direction - ended up at some police station. tsssssk!! but we did managed to trial n error our way to tis understated nightlife haven lah.



had a salmon bowl frm sushi tei! yummy yum yum..



aft dinner, we went to chill out at essential brews. easy to guess which drink is mine yeah?

xq: last time jason brought some of us here to chill.
(xq's phone rings!)

speak of the devil!! jason was there with his gf too. n its weird to here him speak abt spse so passionately. i guess club needs committed leaders like our predecessors to really shine. for their sake, i'll continue to tahan. i prob can't bring the club to greater heights but i shld be able to at least to stop it frm collasping during my term. lol. muz be practical ma.. if i can't meet the goals i set, i'll be sad de. so with no expectation comes zero disappointment.



stayed over at xq's place n was lame enough to cook maggi noodles at an indecent hr of 1am. haha.. tts a perk of being a girl. u can do silly stuff like tis n then act cute aft making a mess of someone else's kitchen, forget to wash the veg n use too much water. hehe.. i'm not saying i act cute hor! coz i dun hafta act. *rolls eyes* lol.

as tis portion is named "holland village fetish", obviously i didn't only go once.. went again with my the sec 2 clique (suting, wanyee, huiyan, khang jing). dinner was at tis romantic roof terrace restaurant, cafe 211. tis groupie of mine is made up of all the jc smarty-pants n its awful tt they hv all made it into uni while i'm still stuck doing a diploma. its not fair tt they get to yak abt orientation, hostel stay, self-arranged timetables n DEGREE WITH HONOURS!!! *wails*



my lovelies! i call tis brains n beauty. =D



my seafood pizza! its really nice but the price is kinda steep..



n they ran away frm me who apparently behaved like a tourist by photographing perfectly ordinary shopfronts. haha.. oopsy. aft a v filling dinner, we went to haagen daz to relax n it was having a buy-one-get-one-free bev promo! our lucky day..

hy n i nearly drove everyone insane with lame games like black magic, mrt stops, bang-bang, how many meh-mehs jump over the wall, etc etc.. haha. it was funny watching their confused expressions n hearing ridiculous ans. i can't believe tt not too long ago, i was juz as sotong as them. hehe.


>>ICE-SKATING<<



tis is how the girl's toilet at jec looks like. haha.. i noe i look fat in jeans lah. i look fat in everything.



cl n me on the ice. haha.. clumsy me only fell once wor. yay!



darren seems to hv grown taller.. haha. i bet he tip-toe. lolx.



[frm left: darren, me, cheeleng n xueqin]


>>MY BEST SOB-MATE<<

i hv alot of "sob-mates" whom i love n can trust with any amt of bitching n crying.. but for some reason my qiling can miraculously appear whenever i feel alone, lost or upset. sometimes, she'll contact me by instinct or i'll accidently bump into her smiling face around sch. n smiles being infectious, will somehow affect me in ways beyond wordly explanations.. like i mentioned before, she is the best blessing i cld hv had in tis period of uncertainty n as i struggle to regain foothold in life, xq n her hv been my biggest stepping stones. =)



our 'i-am-done-with-all-reports' celebratory pizza dinner at raffles shopping centre's the pizza place before heading to MX to chill healthily with my skinnie minnie n cl's strawberry nirvana.. the ambience, sofa n water feature was fab n somehow, i cld stand facing ben n jerry's w/o feeling a wee bit tempted. haha.. either i hv out-grown my sweet tooth or my desire to lose weight is burning at all time high. though i doubt its the latter coz we were greedy enough to order a massive side dish n a large pizza for juz 2 ppl. plus, i'm munching on banana walnut bread now. forever eating.. cmi sia!



parco bugis junction was having a food fair!! the food was so-so only but the booths hv v interesting "roofs".. darn cute rite?



at the other end of parco was wedding extravaganza.. everything was so so so pretty in a barbie-inspired fairytale sorta way. see s'pore's tallest wedding cake? hv barbie n ken living "happily ever aft" on top wor. nice nice! =)



we were getting our fortunes told temple-style!! XP



i noe i look ugly lah.. tts why till now got no ken wan me lor.



cheeleng then gave me a gong ji tou clip!! haha.. my reputation preceeds me. =P actually, i'm having an obsession with hair accessories these days. it was earrings followed by necklaces n belts previously.. haha.. wat to do? i hv a short attn span.



hmmm, the wrds r too small. i basically wrote: "I was feeling damn good about myself... until... my really tall friend decided to step into the picture with her endless legs in a micro mini..." ahhh, life isn't fair. it granted me with short, stumpy trunks for legs.. *whines*



tis pic hv no sub-title but i was at esplanade's haagen daz with darren attempting FA tutorial 11 n tis is my pink beauty.. yummy!! the boon tong kee chicken rice dinner was finger-licking gd too. haha. n a funny thing happened! darren carelessly left his mp3 behind n me being super wu liao was lucky enough to hv filled up the feedback form (inclusive of hp no.) so the manager called us..

manager: "excuse me, is tis ms joy?"
me: erm ya..
manager: "u left behind an ipod n a pkt of cookies at our outlet of haagen daz."
me: "oh shit! my famous amos!!"
darren: "oh shit! my mp3."

ok fine, its not really funny. but i swear it was waaay more hilarious at tt moment.

well, tts abt it. btw, u guys do noe i'm kidding abt the tai-tai part rite? =P

20072007

as xq dearest was cute enough to remind me, today's date is 20072007. a date tt occurs only once every lifetime!! n i lived through such a marvellous day stuck at biz IT with my eyes straining to pop out as a scanned through yet another 30 page report! talk abt suckiness?! actually since my life is so monotone now, today didn't really feel any diff frm the past 2 wks.

finally, submitted crm+rwps! so tts a big load off all our minds.. its sooo retarded coz as usual, the lib printers decided to screw up on us n we ran (yes, we did run!) through 4 floors of t22 looking for lecturers to help us print the report before the 12pm dateline. n simone was really sweet to open her brand new personal printer juz coz we needed colour ink. n it was funny watching the guys fiddle with the ink catridges n not noe how to fix it up. as we juz abt desperate enough to hack into ambrose's acc, sk found agnes ching!!! =)

on the whole, today was rainy n sucky but not all tt bad..

• i indulged myself by cabbing to sch coz my ezylink card hv no money. =P

• adrian: "siao, hv no money to top-up but hv money to cab?!"
  me: "who ask u nv lombang me?"
  adrian: "i tink i saw ur sis in a dark blue skirt leh.. she quite pretty."
  me: "out of pt!"

• sk bullied evan into specially buying me hot milo (my new fav!!!).

• jess bought marble cake for the grp.. haha. having picnic while doing proj is nice. =)

• the redang coach/cruise LTC is confirmed with ivan, liying, cheeleng, catherine, joel n so many other ppl i noe in batch one too!!! yay!

• 
  my made-in-msia kitkat!! see, it has all the layers of wrapping. *squeals*

• me: wow!! sooo cute.. how come u hv so many?
  simone: i bought them to reward students who make me happy.
  me: so do i make u happy?
  
  the ans: (heee. apparently, i do!)

• a whole big pkt of choc n macadamia famous amos frm gerald. thanks for the ride hm too. =)

• tamp hv pasar malam.. not the type at the open grassy area but the long stretchy sort between the main rd n the hdb estate.. haven seen tt in a while. ahhhh, those memories.

• mommy n daddy just called hm frm japan n they sound happy. so i'm happy.

surfing for research online drove me nearly berserk. so typing random search wrds into google can give u pretty gd stress relief. some wrds tt give really adorable results are, polka dots, buttons, marbles, colour pencils, babies, etc.. n wat do i do with those pics i found? i get emo n mess around with them.. haha.. sk is gonna kill me when she finds out tt i didn't stay focussed. =P

"Boy, I miss your kisses..." is lyrics frm michael learns to rock, 25 minutes.

i noe i owe alot alot of gathering photos n entries.. will be back aft i complete uccd n ecm. n tts provided my hp doesn't choose to go ku-ku AGAIN!!! *prays* btw, i love my cca. its not v powerful nor does it hv fabulously outstanding n committed ppl. but every single person in it r my frens n i love them alot. sorry for my previous angsty entry.. *muackies*

spse sucks

sorry for the lack of updates recently.. been rushing projs 24/7. wanted to update now but as usual something has to screw up n spoil my plans again.. yeah, its the cca. 'messy' is a v severe understatement n the underlying probs r getting sooo out of hand tt i wonder if tis is really the end of spse. n if anybody even bothers?

i'm sick. sick of everything n i dunno how long more can i stomach members approaching me with their unsatisfaction abt ---- n me being their bridge between them n the authorities. more than often, i'm juz the one who handles all the rubbish n unpleasant behind-the-scenes wrk. i face all the ugly faces, i get all the criticisms n black faces but i still hv to turn around n talk to the "in-charge" in a nice tone or i'll become public enemy no.1 juz coz it's my 'duty' to help serve them.

n with a com tt is complaining on both sides, having to smile while not not siding either is a horrible thing. esp with the recent sch burden starting to pile up, keeping a sane mind while handling politics is a chore. seriously, some ppl r super immature n irritatingly stubborn. many a times i juz feel like yelling: "tis is ur proj, can't u juz get something so simple done w/o involving so many ppl?" n then aft struggling to keep my tongue in check, spend an hr giving individuals counselling on their confidence lvl, get a whole lot of shit frm trying to help them with the proposal content, they tell u they wanna quit the proj a wk before the event. fuck. tis is not the standard i expect of position holders. if quitting is the best way out, hell, i wld hv quitted a million times over.

also, having to entertain calls frm ppl i dun even noe, meet up with organizations in the middle of my exam wk n remaining civil to a blundering officer is a nightmare. everyone tinks i'm having a blast. being the vp, getting to go redang, meeting all the top ppl, etc, etc.. u tink i give a damn abt all tis frills? try being me for one day! no one will understand how it is like to juggle academics with cca all the while battling emotional scars all bcoz of a promise i made to the graduated individuals who dun even care less. i hv no more motivation to stay. i hv no more mountain back me. i didn't even hv a damn kind wrd or any form of encouragement or support when i most needed it frm anyone.

n for another of my countless times, i wanna quit club, i really do. its a tiring n thankless job. i wanna be among the losers who lack sense of responsibility. i wanna leave before the situation turns too nasty. i dun wanna be the sucker vp anymore. i just wanna be ordinary me who hv time for myself n get to slp early. tis time, the feeling is v strong. its v real. n surprisingly, it doesn't feel as bad as i expected it to feel.

mayb tis feeling will change tmr. but mayb it will not. i dun really hv the energy to care anymore. tis is not targetted at anybody in particular. i'm just tired of everything.

emo

been using the old samsung for a couple of days while the n73 gets repaired. in it was a treasure chest full of old memories. haha.. its pretty cool really coz some things hv already been forgotten n to use back something frm the past is pretty nostalgic in a nice, floaty sorta way. plus, the wallpaper was a pic taken on the night prior to my best bdae ever! =)

in my yr one in poly, i went through a period of 桃花运. its nothing like wat i hv now coz the 3 ppl i was simultaneously smsing were real life ppl n not just some online personality. i met weiming frm mjc, eric frm tennis elective and zest frm spse. over time, one grew in importance n the others just faded away.. its really funny coz i even found ancient 告白 smses i wrote to the one n some of them were in actually in CHINESE. really drama hor.. =P

thankfully i nv had to sent any of those out. if not really throw face sia.. hehe.

i really shld start studying FA but i muz get something off my chest. i'm jealous. v jealous. super duper jealous in a green-eyed monster sorta way! bahx!!

• a fren of mine who swore he hated his ex for eternity hv since went back into her embrace. tts aft both of them openly criticized n screamed f-words at each other on friendster. n tis is the same someone who told me to nv to give in. BETRAYAL!
  
  
• serkee steps into class all giggly coz desmond called her in the morn. she smiles again in the sweetest way i hv ever seen her smile juz bcoz he called for barely 30 secs in the afternoon. n the way she anxiously checks her hp every hr possibly awaiting tt one sms tt wld make her day just shows how physical dist do not keep two ppl frm being hopelessly besotted with each other. awwwww...
  
  
• cher's bf rushes down to town aft 7pm book-out. tired, hungry n w/o hair juz so he can see her while she is busy hanging out with us. the way she strokes his botak head n make demands of him in her usual high-pitched voice is rather endearing. even the way she automatically clings onto him n become extra giggly in his presence strongly resembles a relationship tt has just started out. dun u tink honey-moon stages of any relationship is the most amazing? u make up each other's world w/o even knowing why. n tt lucky girl gets relive all the wonderful 'first moments' again! *envious*
  
  
• bee bee's love affair is much more low-key. but her continuous smsing throughout the evening with her in-camp bf n how she occassionally mentions him is adorably cute in its own subconcious way.

i guess having ur other half in army is not necessarily a bad thing. frm the looks of it, they all seem to be making do n having a blast of a time adjusting to life w/o their dar dar's constant company while not forgetting to love n tink abt each other continuously. somehow, not having the flexibility of time, makes them cherish every "together" moment much more n even the littlest gesture of care n concern seem to matter so so so much.

cheeleng: "lets go changi 钓阿兵哥!!!"

but i guess its juz not the same by hooking one juz for the sake of hooking. since i hv come to realize its really easy to get a guy to chase u. but its a whole lot harder finding the one who will really make an impact upon u. someone who u love n who loves u back. the one who needs no reason for his "i love you".. ahhh, the ideal fairytale finale!!!

i tot i found my happy ending. n was really looking forward to experiencing wat all my other fortunate dearies hv the priviledge going through now.. but i suppose wat i had was just not strong enough.

it wasn't strong enough to make us wanna hold on a little longer.
it wasn't strong enough to make us stop hurting each other.
it wasn't strong enough to hv the courage to stay true to promises.
it wasn't strong enough to accept each other for who we are.
it wasn't strong enough to surpass obstacles.
it wasn't strong enough to be all tt mattered.
it wasn't strong enough to wanna make the other smile.
it wasn't strong enough to choose to say "你是我的".
it wasn't strong enough to not wanna runaway.
it wasn't strong enough to rectify all the "i'm sorry".
it wasn't strong enough to last.

it wasn't even strong enough for tt one more try.

by choosing to stand alone on the mrt over having someone to lean on. by choosing to bottle things up over having late-night conversations. by choosing to go to sleep alone over having a gd night kiss. by choosing to be bored over having someone to report to. by choosing to be independent over having a constant support. by choosing to not go out at all over going to the same old places. by choosing to be contented over being over-the-moon-happy. by choosing to live through everyday life juz-like-tt over having ups n downs.

i made a choice n tis choice lead me to come to possess a v active friendship circle, a v solid family foundation, a v satisfactory fabulous-looking academic slip, but yet, something v big is evidently missing. my life now has direction but it lacks purpose n it lacks reason to smile. relationships r not impt. one can do with or w/o it.. but then again, its still nice to hv. till the v end, its still nice to hv loved n lost then to not hv loved at all. opportunity costs yeah?

they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. mayb i hv walked hm alone one too many times tt instead of becoming fonder, my heart is now number, colder n harder. its quite difficult to cry anymore n tt sucks. coz the emotions r all stuck at throat level - unable to come out n yet, unable to suppress - resulting in a horrible choking sensation. as for the phrase time heals all wounds, its utter bullshit. time doesn't make things recover.. all it does is make one forget the significant memories. forget the whims n fancies of each other. n forget the reason y two ppl got tgt in the first place. forgetting is not curing. forgetting is not moving on. forgetting is juz simply disregarding everything i used to hold dear.

wat happened to "you are my sunshine", wat happened to "you colour up my world", wat happened to "i juz wanna wake up beside you" n wat happened to "till the end of time"?

=(

mt project

hey everyone, i'm proud to announce tt project rushing hv v efficiently managed to turned me into a walking zombie.. been staring at the com - abt 6 hrs a day on average - until my eyes water just by looking at a blank monitor screen. its not watering now but it aches n my vision is sorta blurry.. i wonder if i can sue the sch for eyesight deterioration. poo poo!

cheeleng says looking at the com too much will cause one to age.. omg!!! we all need to go for facial asap!!!!! tis is absolutely insane. no wonder all the dbf students r walking around with super pissed off faces n messy hair. i can't even be bothered to dress up for sch anymore.. juz baggy t-shirts, shorts n slippers as i rush through each day slogging to conquer mt projects!

i already know i hv quite a bad temper but to tink i actually blew up during rwps n scolded someone for not contributing to our proj before stomping out of t2244. i tink tis proves tt i hv reached the epitome of bitchiness.. anything n everything seems to irritate me tis couple of days. n i trust i'm not alone in tis.. seen a couple of unlikely ppl shout vulgarities, bitch in toilets n hv depressing msn nicks. dammit.

well, if the sch system is trying to deprieve us of a social life by simply piling on all the wrk, its not working in my case. i just stay out later to make up for the amt of time i spend on boring stuff. hmmm, i muz hv stayed out too much as even daddy started to notice my absence. haha.. hey, wrk hard muz play hard too ma.. =P

anyway, when tempers start to flare n my eyes start to tear, i turn to comfort food. however, the whole fc 6 suddenly decided to go against me n stop importing malaysian kit-kat bars. WHERE IS THE BLOODY CANDY BAR WHEN U FREAKING HELL NEED IT?! so, like a perfectly logical n alert person, i buy a bottle of cranberry juice instead (dotz!)...

evan: "i tot u wanted choc?"
me: "mommy says cranberries are gd for ur urinary tract."
evan: "wat?! no link leh.. joy ar joy, tis is a sign tt projs r getting into ur brain."

yeah, its like i'm nearing the verge of a nervous breakdown. with all the hurried lunches, sleep interrupted with uccd terminologies appearing in my dreams, class politics n not being able to differentiate between subjects n grp members. bahx. can't wait for all the projs to be submitted!! but then again, if time passes by so fast, the term tests will be right by the corner. omg!! sch is killing me the slow, painful, bloodless way! waaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

catch-up!!!

my life is like my hp.. it is all screwed up. =(

having been accustomed to 'surviving' alone for so long, i tot i was already all numb n nonchalent with regards to anything he say or do.. but apparently, hearing tt its easy for me to be downgraded frm "more-than-frens" to just merely "frens" when i'm struggling to do likewise still hv the ability to influence me pretty significantly. up till now, i still refuse to believe tt everything tt happened was nothing more than a mistake n tt it ultimately all boils down to just foolish me, thinking too much. i'm a dum-dum alright.

well, getting confused by love is just one of the many problems tt does nothing but kill my brain cells n make me cringe in pain these days. however, i shall not elaborate as talking abt problem aft problem is not a v joyful thing to do rite? so i'm gonna change to happy topics before i bore even myself..

my life is perfect. its sunny-side up!! its pretty n as smooth-sailing as it can be.. yups yups!

anyway, indulge in my commentary of the lifestyle i fancy.. its carefree, happy-go-lucky n totally filled with fun n excitement! yay!! though its definitely not supplementing my bank acc in any way, it sure can significantly raise my mood. trust me! sweet stuff n bright coloured clothing can sure make a person much happier, esp a whimsical one like me. haha. i bet its something to do with colour therapy n sugar rush inclinations tt rush through my veins whenever i get a whee bit pessimistic. hehe.

bcoz of tis, i end up dragging my darlings all over s'pore in bid to satisfy me, myself, i. but babes, i do make ur life much more entertaining rite? random, unplanned activities is wat gives life its "omph" factor! whoopdeedoo~ XD


3rd july 2007

being unable to resist temptation, i rather impulsively went to queue for tian3 tian3 quan1 at the new suntec city, donut factory branch with cheeleng n darren. the queue is definitely waaay more manageable than the one at raffles city shopping centre n its rather cool tt they hv a v ORANGE cafe!! haha.. i lurve nice ambience to go with my gd food. heeee.



the new donut factory!!! yummy-licious... ^^



shldn't the "upto" be seperated?? tsk tsk..



the ordinary paper bag tt hides the perfect tian3 tian3 quan1!



my fav 2!!!
strawberry heart n double choc.. *floating in heaven*



oops.. caught me being greedy! omg! look at my super stumpy fingers?! *gags*



we r happy n satisfied girls now.. =0)

obviously sugar cravings for girls who totally cannot resist candied seductions, means tt the urge for sweetened products doesn't just stop at donuts!! aft pigging out, we headed to gelare for course 2! i'm a happy, fat girl.. =D



me n my banana spilt!!!

oh, I HAVE DRAIN CLEAVAGE!! haha.. xq will strangle me.. *runs away* anyway, my clothes v colourful hor? its a striped tube frm club marc n cute things like it can make me really happy. sorry, i'm sorta colour obsessed these couple of days. =X



half-price gelare waffles on tuesday!!! v WHITE hor?



cheeleng's caramel banana sundae.. *slurps*



a close-up of my banana spilt basket. tempted? =P



suntec's fountain of wealth.. great for an emo-intensified session of bitching.. lolx.



the GREEN suntec roof!! its changes colour if u bother to go notice.. (note: of course i mean the real roof change colour n not tis pic change colour lah duh! u tink tis is enchanted harry potter pic ar?!) speaking of harry potter pics, i really wanna watch the upcoming harry potter movie but everyone seems to hv groupies to watch it with already. haiz.



my flying YELLOW DHL balloon!!! i wan...


4th july 2007

aft a day of sugary delights, the single kakis was sweet enough to pei me satisfy my sushi craving!!! i love u all.. hehe.. had sakae buffet at raffles place aft a rather low-key exco meeting hosted by me.. speaking of which, the poor turn-out made me sorta upset. oh wells, tis entry is supposed to be entirely happy. so will zip my mouth on tt.

for some reason i've been feeling worse than crap today. got easily angered, teared at the most inappropriate moments n even skipped an entire day of lessons just coz i was having the most irritating moodswings. n the worse thing is, it isn't even tt time of the mth. stupid hormones. bahx.



me in my RED tee n my salmon fetish!



my really pretty dearies/darlings/sweethearts with a PINK plate.. <3



us on the other side of the conveyor belt..



our night-time stroll around the vicinty lead us to the grand 6-star fullerton hotel. unfortunately, we didn't even hv enough cash amongst us to rent a toilet much less open a rm. but its really posh n i sooo wan my wedding to be hosted here.
(note to my future husband: tis is NOT a hint! it is a direct request! lol.)



my girls! n yeah, i noe i look short. LOOK only hor. hehe.. *denial*



scenic night view.. hmm, last time i was contented to just sit at the raffles place open area aft a sushi pigging-out session with a special someone.. but now, i rather enjoy romantic strolls with gd company n tons of laughter!



THE ALLURE OF SHENTON WAY! n the only reason y i'm still struggling to achieve decent grades in sch..



girls being girls, we hv to cam-whore with the most ridiculous props. heee.

anyway, we walked along clarke quay, sat by the river bank, watched rich tourists ride the reverse bungee jump n envisioned the gross ways their vomit would pour down frm up above.. wahahaha.. basically, hanging with them makes me feel like i belong somewhere. though it is short-lived, n funny thoughts invade my brain almost immediately aft i leave their company, its better than nothing.. thanks a million, bao beis!


5th july 2007

slacked at xq's house till it was time for my mother-daughter bonding time.. hung out with mommy dearest for a woman-to-woman chat. n as usual, chilling with her nv disappoints.. knowing how crazy i am over everything japanese, she brought me to the stylish inagiku at raffles the plaza for dinner.

its basically japanese fine dining. everything in the menu was super tempting so we ordered 2 portions of salmon sashimi, some grilled cod-fish n shabu-shabu (japanese black pork steamboat). they slice the pork so thinly it gets cooked within 15 secs. anyway, it wasn't anywhere near japan's oh-so-delicious standard which left me pretty disgruntled. i'm super hard to please ba. hehe.. oh ya, the waitresses wore BLUE kimonos to serve us. n their kimonos r the elaborate n fancy sort! soooo preeeety!! ^^

my ultimate indulgence!!! n their wasabi is genuine horseradish wor!!! nice~

the shabu-shabu.. see the pork is sliced so thin until can see the plate through it sia..

my beautiful mommy.. can't tell she has had 4 kids right??
"MAMA, WO AI NI!"

our black sesame n matcha ice-cream with red beans tt mommy forced me to eat..

aft a fab dinner, we went to buy pastries frm prego! but it was rather sad tt the kiasu ppl in front bought all the cute lil cakes on display.. haiz, was kinda looking forward to a nice breakfast but all i had left was an ultra puffy doughnut. thankfully, tis doughnut is nicer than those found at donut factory. haha..



the fat doughnut!

as the night was still young, we adjoined to classy introbar@equinox for drinks. had a yummy n marvellous-looking strawberry margarita while mommy had some grapefruit mocktail coz she drives! hehe.. muz set gd example for wld-be driver, me. yups yups.

anyway, met workplace acquaintances of mommy at the bar which was soo cool! i got introduced by name leh.. can't wait for the day i start entertaining n getting to noe my own contacts! =)

anyway, was pretty shagged (hehe!) by the time i got hm. the alcohol didn't make my head spilt but it was making me super drowsy n i lost my sense of logic considering how i almost did something really stupid. thankfully, i collasped into slumberland before i could create anymore damage to an already fragile situation.


6th july 2007

carolyn: woah..
me: super tired lah.. (p/s: i suspect its hangover.. haiz.)
carolyn: yeah, can see frm ur dressing. but still cute lah.. haha. dun worry, he'll still like u. its the power of love.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! a non-existant power ba. zzz.


anyway, went to watch transformers with daddy n bri.. i was the massive lightbulb in their father-son evening extravanganza.. hehe.. its awesome to hv a bf to hold ur hand as u walk down sb hill. but its even cooler to hv a car waiting to pick u up aft class. haha.. going out with the main men in my life hv priviledges such as deciding where to hv dinner n getting the best seats in the cinema! lalala~

btw, bumblebee is a really gay name for a robot. lol. however, the show is super!!! i started out expecting myself to not understand anything abt tis 'manly' show n rather pissed tt i wasted 8 bucks on tickets. but lo n behold, it hooked me barely 5 secs aft it started.. so girls who share my previous mentality of "the-only-reason-i-will-ever-watch-transformers-is-if-my-bf-threaten-a-break-up-unless-i-watch-it-with-him", try watching it. its much more fabulous then the bimbotic chick-flicks we adore so much.

daddy seemed to enjoy the show more than bri.. mayb coz bri grew up playing with matchbox cars instead.. ahhh, when will they make a barbie doll movie??

7th july 2007

07.07.07 a date only possible every 1000 yrs n 707 couples tied the knot on tis special day according to ROM statistics.. so cool rite? haha.. anyway, my today was spent with my lovelies too. so i'm not complaining.. as usual, we did totally random stuff that brought us tons of laughter n raised eyebrows.

met up with xq for lunch at causeway pt n sent my hp for repairs there. which i later realised was a rather stupid decision coz woodlands is damn faraway frm tamp n going to collect the phone back will be a huge chore! anyway, i'm stuck with using the old samsung baby for now.. rediscovering certain treasures in it left me pretty entertained for quite abit of time. but more abt tt later.. =)

as usual, it was bubble tea, tons of crapping n moments of insanity for us. ended up taking all 3 coloured mrt lines to reach punggol where gerald mentioned something abt bringing me to watch stars at a "punggol pt". if u like me assumed "punggol pt" was some shopping centre like centrept or east pt, ur v wrong.. aft anticipating some nice new shopping complex to justify the hrs on the mrt, we were greeted with tis...



a lifeless town with massive open spaces!! seriously, we both tot we stepped into a new dimension!!!



we were trying our darnest to look emo.. but only succeeded at looking lonely.

just as i was abt to scream down the phone at gerald, xq suggested going on an adventure to discover where gerald intended to take me in the first place. imagine our horror when only 1 out of 3 bus drivers knew wat we were talking abt w/o regarding us suspiciously?! still it was an adventure to behold.

we took bus 82 following the instructions of tt 1 bus driver n went through pathways covered with nothing but thick forests of trees till we reached tis bus stop...



PUNGGOL RD END!!! wtf.. the bus had to reverse out frm here.. nv hv i seen such an ulu/secluded/isolated part of s'pore.. n gerald actually dared to say: "yes, i noe the place is ulu!!!" &*%$^*^%$%&^$#



well, aft the long moment of darkness - which i tot resembled the rainforest canopy at the night safari - we ended up at a pretty alcove. its quite romantic actually shld u go with the correct someone. punggol beach is uncommercialised like changi beach but the sand is cleaner n the sea smells waaay better. haha.



me being me, hv to still hv ice-cream in BLUE cups despite being at world's end. XD



i almost got arrested for taking pics! ever heard of anything so ridiculous???

police woman: were u taking a photo of the police station?
me: ya.
police woman: why r u taking pictures of restricted territory?
me: for fun.

ok, i muz hv sounded rather bimbotic coz xq kept laughing at me. anyway, although i deleted the picture of the newer police station, we managed to capture a shot of an abandoned one tt existed during ww2. cool rite?



tis is the closest i'll ever get my girlish, spoilt ass to 'outward bound singapore'.



ever tot u did see squatter-like homes on mainland s'pore? well, we did!



on our way back to civilisation, we passed by damai LRT station!! haha..



our dinner at vivo's the chicken rice shop aft cheeleng joined us.. alot alot of food ba? haiz. need to sooo go on diet if not how to wear bikini at redang?!?!?! lol.



ooohh... lick me... *drools over big ice-cream cone*

1. who doesn't love sales??
2. wow!! i'm nearly as tall as the building!!!
3. pineapple rice sufficient for both xq n cl!
4. cheeleng n me playing on some artsy fartsy display piece. they hv really cute benches surrounding it.. benches tt r wide enough to sit 3 ppl n guess wat? we saw a really weird couple choosing to sit on each other instead. 0_o''' (ok, i'm just jealous!)
5. randomness as usual..
6. vivo rooftop with my new squeeze. hahaha..

"is it me or are the lamp posts slanted?"
yaya, i noe alot of ppl will laugh at my stupidity now. but at least i noe my eyes r working perfectly well n tt the lamp posts ARE slanted.



the people who rock my world!

anyway, while we were shopping, we bumped into hx who was working at shibuya.. n obviously, met gy nearby who was waiting for hx to finish wrking. i nv say i was envious hor! mayb i did get a teensy-weensy, itsy-bitsy, tiny, little, insignificant sour taste in my mouth. but tts all i got. who said i needed a guy? hur hur? *sticks my tongue out at you*

though having a bf is kinda nice coz he can help indecisive me make a decision on whether i shld buy tt pretty necklace hx's fren made.. coz girly girls are only capable of going, "wow, so pretty... but ex leh... but then again, its custom-made wor... but not v worth it just for a piece of metal ma... ehh, but its kinda limited edition rite?... but i can buy more clothes/make-up/soft toys with the money, etc." sooo contradictory. sooo confusing...

no no no no no.. i'm not saying i need a guy hor. i confirm plus chop dun need one. n nope, i'm not in denial or watever fancy name ur call it. shaddup on the "joy-needs-a-bf-desperately" topic already. yadda yadda yadda~

photos frm past gatherings which i was too lazy to retrieve previously:



suting's 19th bdae chalet held at aloha loyang.



when u dun hv a bf, u gotta toast ur own marshmallows n crush ur own ice.. which is sorta sad in my case coz i'm a pretty sucky marshmallow toaster n crushing ice makes me look unglam.



jj, wanyee, huiyan, sotong (bdae girl), serene, me n khang jing having a blast while the dutiful wilfred takes snapshot aft snapshot!



the old birds at the bbq.
[frm left: zest (president), richard (vice-president), gerald (training n devt coordinator) n santoso (welfare head).]



santoso's farewell dinner at spagaddies.. GOOD LUCK didi! haha..



we played pool at cine! n i look fat. *sulks*



p/s: i noe i'm really COLOUR captivated in tis entry. haha.. gotta literally colour up my own life now yeah?

yay! joy joy succeeded at creating one v happy entry coz she's a v happy girl who lives up to her own name n permanently resides in "never never land" where little children nv grow up n they get to eat candy till their teeth all fall out. just believe me when i say i'm happy.. coz i hv absolutely no reason to lie yeah? =)